Dealing with Conflict

Intro

Here at Mondocat, mistakes are inevitable, not avoidable. We transform the mistakes into opportunities for learning and personal development, choosing open dialogue and promoting empathy and mutual understanding over punishment. We want you to work things out. Punishment is the last resort, reserved only for actual malice or for people who are completely unwilling to learn, grow, and compromise. Check out "Restorative Justice"! https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/cj-jp/rj-jr/index.html

Stages of Conflict

The following are the stages of conflict, what they are, and how to deal with them. Read the following article to learn more about these:

• Prevention (Assume Good Faith)
• Action (Communicate boundaries)
• Reception (How to give & take criticism tactfully)
• Empathy (Naivety, understanding, education, & forgiveness)
• Rules of Engagement (No fallacies/hate speech)
• When All Else Fails (Moderation, blocking, and reporting)

Step 1: Assume Good Faith (Hanlon's Razor)

Before jumping into a conflict, take a breath. Use your words. Address things in the moment if you're able to do so calmly. If not, step back. Give yourself time to cool down and collect yourself. MOST of the time, jokes are not meant to hurt others, and a clumsy comment isn't an attack. Text and voice chat can be messy, especially among us neurodivergents, and context can be lost or miscommunicated or even just misread. Start by assuming the other person meant well, even if it landed poorly or was rough around the edges.

This ideology is called Hanlon's Razor if you'd like to read more about it. (Although i prefer the term 'naivety' vs stupidity, because naiveity implies you didnt know. Stupidity implies you CANT know. </autisticgrammarrant>)

Step 2: Communicate

Once you have calmed down enough to communicate tactfully, talk to the person, privately. Privately implies there is a seriousness to this conversation, and not just "teasing back". Tell them your wants and needs and that it's important to you.

If a sensitive or upsetting topic comes up, nobody is expected to sit there and suffer through it. Anyone in the community has full autonomy to choose any of the following valid strategies to be in a space where they value the conversation!

Communication: Theoretical Real Example

For example: Mondo does not like talking about US healthcare. It's deeply upsetting to her. She has options!

• Change the Subject: Steer the conversation toward something else. Using whats around you, or some sort of humor is a great tool. "Speaking of needles... check out the nurse avatar that guy is wearing over there!"

• Remove the Topic: It is perfectly acceptable to lower volume of someone talking about something you don't like, put on ear muff mode if someone *gestures over there* is talking about something you don't like, or, simply walk away and rejoin the group once the conversation has moved on.

• Send a DM: Address it privately and politely. A quick DM sets a clear boundary without causing public drama or putting anyone on the spot. Make sure to use "I/Me" statements to not attack others when setting your own boundaries: "Hey, conversations about US healthcare are actually really upsetting for me. I’d appreciate it if we could drop that topic while we're hanging out." "Nothing personal at all, but I have a hard limit on discussing US healthcare. Could we not talk about that when we're hanging out?"
  • Using I/ME Statements is an example of Nonviolent Communication developed by Marshall Rosenberg! https://www.ucop.edu/ombuds/_files/nvc-model-requesting-change-remove.pdf

• Publicly Addressing Issues: If it's a quick misunderstanding or a simple vocabulary correction (like the Real Conversation Example below), it's fine to just address it in the main chat. But if the topic is deeply upsetting or requires a serious boundary setting, take it to DMs. When in doubt, TAKE IT TO DMS. It implies the seriousness of the conversation!

You are entirely in control of what you choose to engage with. You do not have to justify why your boundaries are there to enforce them. Mondo doesn't have to give you her whole backstory on the trauma of US healthcare with her and her mom. She just has to say "Hey, I'd actually rather not talk about it!"

Solving The Conflict: Real Conversation Example

Society kind of pushes us to hide our wants, needs, and boundaries to "keep the peace." Fuck that. Advocate for yourself! But, you know, do it tactfully. Use Radical Candor! "Radical Candor really just means saying what you think while also giving a damn about the person you’re saying it to." https://kimmalonescott.medium.com/what-is-radical-candor-learn-the-basic-principles-in-6-minutes-50391b3ad76a

If someone steps on your toes, tell them. If you step on someone else's, listen to them.

[8:53 AM] LyraBoone: Bc original flavored Lyra is very cuddly too 
[9:27 AM] Lyra Foxwood (Lyra The Fox): Yes, im a cuddle (word i dont know if I cant say in this server)
[9:30 AM] Mondo: Slut? o.o
[9:30 AM] LyraBoone: Oooooooo im tellin
[9:30 AM] Lyra Foxwood (Lyra The Fox): Hey im not a slut im a cuddle whore there's a difference
[9:30 AM] Mondo: Oh ok ^^
[9:31 AM] QuisquiliaruM PatrinuS: what did I pop back into
[9:31 AM] Lyra Foxwood (Lyra The Fox): Me being called a slut
[9:32 AM] Mondo: Not just a slut, a cuddle slut ;_; which I know is incorrect. It's cuddle whore <3
[9:32 AM] Mondo: See we had a miscommunication and we solved it with our words :D
[9:33 AM] LyraBoone: Look at us practicing tolerance and communication!
[9:33 AM] LyraBoone: Much love for my Mondfrens

Step 3: Next Steps - Resolving the conflict

Resolution (I was hurt)

The other party should more or less, drop the subject after you have communicated with them you don't like what was going on.

Generally, you'd get something back like this:

"Oh shit, I didn't know, sorry about that. Time to talk about, uh, Pizza! Thanks for letting me know! If I happen to slip up again, please gently poke me!"

Resolution (I saw something that may have been hurtful)

Use the buddy system, and check up on them privately! If they seemed hurt by someone, encourage them to reach out to the person that hurt them to try to clear up the misunderstanding.

Resolution (I hurt someone)

When someone trusts you enough to communicate a boundary or tell you they don't like what's going on, your job is simple: respect it, drop the subject, and move on.

Don't get defensive, don't ask them why it bothers them, and don't make a big deal out of it. Respect the boundary and move on.

Do your best to remember not to talk about that subject with that person again. If you happen to slip up, apologize asap and try to learn from your mistakes.

How to handle someone setting a boundary with you:

You are going to say the wrong thing sometimes. You might be using a word or a joke that you think is completely harmless, only to find out it deeply hurts someone else. When that happens, you have a choice: you can dig your heels in and say "that's just how I talk," or you can do what we expect Mondocat members to do: listen, adapt, and grow.

• DO keep it brief: A simple "my bad" or "sorry about that" is perfect.
• DO change the conversation: Immediately bring up a new, neutral topic (like pizza, a new VRC map, or a game you're playing) to clear the air and show there are no hard feelings.
• DON'T demand an explanation: Nobody owes you a tragic backstory for why a topic makes them uncomfortable. "I don't like talking about this" is a complete sentence.
• DON'T get defensive: Saying "You're taking it too seriously" completely invalidates the other person.
• DON'T go into a "Sorry Spiral": Do not apologize or explain the joke excessively. Just correct the behavior, and keep hanging out.
  • Mondo may or may not have been very guilty of this one in the past due to rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

If you respect the boundary and shift gears, congrats! Your conflict is over, a massive win for communication!

However, if you choose to push the boundary again, that is when it crosses into malice and moderation will get involved.

Fight The Problem, Not The Person

Here in this server, and hopefully in society in general, we are here to win a fight against a problem, not a fight against eachother, as people. There is no place in attacking the person instead of the argument. Fighting with fallacies means someone is trying to "win" a fight rather than resolve a conflict, which goes against the server's mission statement. This is called Principled Negotiation. https://www.beyondintractability.org/moos/ttdth-post/attack-problem

You and the other person are on the same team, and the misunderstanding is the enemy you are fighting together. When you have a conflict, focus on the solution to the conflict, not attacking each other.

Hate Speech & Logical Fallicies

The "We Just Don't Mesh" Clause

Sometimes, you communicate your boundaries, the other person listens, but you realize your personalities just don't mix, or they rub you the wrong way. That is completely okay!

In any community, you aren't going to be besties with everyone. Do not force fake friendships. If you find yourselves constantly clashing or unable to resolve the conflict peacefully, utilize the Mute or Block features on Discord and VRChat. They're tools to curate your own experience so you can both peacefully coexist in the same server.

There's a quote that I post around that I will post again: “I don’t necessarily have to like my players and associates, but as their leader, I must love them. Love is loyalty; love is teamwork; love respects the dignity of the individual. This is the strength of any organization.” -Vince Lombardi.

Do I know who Vince Lombardi is? No idea, but this is the truth. There are people in the server I do not like. There are people I do not get along with. I still respect them, I still love them. I just... may not go out of my way to be besties with them. (Fret not, if you think this is you, I don't go out of my way to be besties very often at ALL, lol! I am shy too!)

Step 3.5: A Tough Subject - Naivety & Forgiveness

I'm gunna be vulnerable for a moment, and give some personal examples of me fuckin' up. Rapha, here's some more ammo for when you want to "cancel" me, lmao! <3 (This is an inside joke, dont worry about it!)

A Tough Subject: Societal Naivety & Growth

Back in the 90s, it was normal for people to use "Gay" as a derogatorative term. It was synonymous with "bad". Does that mean the people using it hated gay people? No! That was just how society was at the time. I remember my mom asking my counselor "Why does she call everything 'gay'?" "Its just what the kids are doing these days."

What got me to change? My best friend came out as gay, privately, to me. He didn't have the gay lisp. He wasn't flamboyant. He was a shy quiet goth nerd. Not surprisingly, my other best friend, who was in theatre and very popular and outgoing was also gay. I stopped using gay to mean "bad". It was hard. It was engrained in us, as a society, at the time. I still slipped up on the occasion, but I fought to do better, for my friends, and little did I know at the time, for society.

Another thing, is that my 2nd gay best friend showed me "RENT", and I fell in love. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGciEYSshrQ (Trailer!) It was about all sorts of things we weren't allowed to talk about! Sex! Drugs! Rock and Roll! Being Gay! Being Trans! Being Bi! The price of rent is too damn high! I loved it! The music was great! Concepts that were banned were discussed! I questioned my sexuality for a long time, and I loved that I wasn't "broken", I was just different. Progression for society!

What got society to change? You know that's an interesting question, and I never looked it up, but since I'm writing this article, I probably should.

Apparently, similar to my story. As more and more people came out as gay, suddenly, "gay" wasn't some abstract concept or punchline as a joke! It was your best friend, your brother, or a close coworker. It’s easy to throw around a word when it doesn't have a face attached to it. It’s much harder when you realize it hurts someone you care about. Celebrities started coming out as gay, such as Ellen. I remember the first POPULAR media that mentioned lesbians. Katy Perry's "I kissed a girl (and I liked it)" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAp9BKosZXs

In 2008, The Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network launched the massive "Think B4 You Speak" campaign. They ran commercials on TV that directly calling out teenagers for saying "that's so gay." It forced society to look in the mirror and realize how dumb it sounded. Actually, now that it's been mentioned... I ***remember*** once of those commercials. Specifically, with Hilary Duff. Man she made good music

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8fiwbR96j0

A Tough Subject: Personal Naivety

Time to teach you about... semantic drift! https://www.joeycofone.com/eureka-newsletter/semantic-drift

Sometime within the past few years, after getting ripped off, I said something to the effect of:... "Man, I was jipped. The concert ran out of trading cards, and we didn't get one. I specifically came to this concert to get one of those cards!"

Apparently, I was being unintentionally offensive. But... How? I was confused. *rolls up sleeves*

People use the phrase "jipped/gypped" to mean that they have been cheated in some way. It has been this way since the day I was born. It was just... one of those things you said and have no idea why. Kind of like, when you learn "SCUBA" was an acronym for the first time. You just had no idea it meant anything else. This is an example of Unconscious Bias. Unconsciosu Bias doesnt have to be somethign negaive, it can be positive too. To read more: https://www.diversityresources.com/types-of-unconscious-bias/

From https://theinclusionsolution.me/words-and-phrases-that-sting-gypped/: For ages, “Gypsies” were—and still are—stereotyped as sneaky thieves. Author Carol Higgins Clark released a book called Gypped: A Regan Reilly Mystery, which, unsurprisingly, had nothing to do with Roma people. The title led to numerous complaints of racism. Prior to a scheduled book signing, one protestor (who’s neither Jewish nor Roma) asked the bookstore owner, “Would you be hosting a book launch for a book called ‘Jewed’?” Clark issued the following statement: “I am truly sorry for any offense caused by using the word ‘Gypped’ as the title of my book. It was a familiar word since childhood which no one I knew associated with its origin. Since this issue arose, I’ve asked many people who also had no idea of any negative connotation. Again, I apologize.”

Do I believe her? Hell yeah I do. I used it too, but had no fuckin idea. What about you? Did you know that word's etymology? Have you ever used that word intentionally derogatorily?

You know, What other words/phrases are we using today, in this day, that are also offensive, but we just don't know the backstory or history of it? We can't know, until someone tells us.

If I saw someone use "jipped", I wouldn't assume malice. I would assume naivety, just like I was. THIS is compassion. This is hanlon's razor. This is also "The principle of Charity" https://ethics.org.au/ethics-explainer-the-principle-of-charity/

A Tough Subject: Cultural Naivety & Regional Profanity

After I wrote this article, I sent it to a few people, and I was given some good feedback that I didn't write about. Cultural Naivety! So now we write!

Being a community of people from around the world, words carry different weights, histories, and "social charges" depending on where you grew up or were raised. Its easy to assume that because we are both speaking English, we are playing by the same rules. We're not, and it's important to recognize this, and as always, err on the side of naivety.

The US Vs UK - "Spastic" vs. "Spaz"

Spastic or Spaz in the US are often used describe someone being hyper, clumsy, or "freaking out." I see it often in the autistic community as an affectionate term. "I'm such a spaz, lolol~" It is frequently heard in casual conversation without a second thought.

HOWEVER, In the UK and Ireland: Spastic is a severe ableist slur. Its history is tied to the treatment of people with Cerebral Palsy and had become a weaponized insult. Check out Joey Deacon and Spastic as an insult. Using this word in the UK is similar to "the R-word" in North America.

The US Vs UK Vs Austrailia VS Ireland - "Cunt"

In the US, Cunt is almost exclusively used as a misogynistic attack against women. You wouldn't say it as a joke, probably not even amongst close friends. It's pretty much a no-no all around.

In the UK, Ireland, and Australia, while still vulgar, it can be used as a term of endearment among friends, similar to saying "hey guys". Your buddy walks into a bar and your buddy would shout "How’s it going, you cunts?" at you and your friends. It has other meaning as well, depending upon how your inflection is, and etc. See Cunt (Slang).

ALL sides are "correct" according to their own cultural programming.

What Do?

We want to resolve the conflict by educating rather than alienating our friends. Most people don't want to be offensive! They just don't know, so we... yes, you guessed it! Assume naivety! If it's something that perhaps they don't know, you could say "Hey, just so you know, spaz is actually considered a pretty heavy slur where I'm from. You might want to be careful with it if you're talking to people from the UK/Ireland."

If you said something bad accidently, you could clarify in your apology. "I am so sorry. In the UK, that word is used really casually among friends, and I completely forgot that it's an insult there. I didn’t mean it as an attack, I'll strike that from my vocabulary while we're hanging out."

"BuT mOnDo~ Why should I apologize? It’s not a slur in my country!" Y'know, friendship and conflict resolution is about the relationship between the two people, not the linguistics of one country vs another. If you accidentally stepped on someone's toe, you'd STILL say "shit, sorry" even if you didn't intend to do it. If your words accidently "stepped on" someone's emotional toes, you'd still apologize, cuz it's the right thing to do, no matter the intent! :3

A Tough Subject: Conclusion

In conclusion, remember that us as individuals, us as a society, us as humanity are all constantly changing. People may make unintentional jokes or conversation that are uncomfortable to your specific situation, to society's specific situation, or even changing language - but they are not made in malice. They are made because of naivety, or even the naivety of society. What's socially acceptable is changing. What we know personally changes every day. Change is inevitable! Change can be glorious! It can be scary! What's important isn't to be mean to eachother about it.

The one and only defense to our sanity and our peace, is to communicate to another person when we do not like something. We CANNOT expect others to psychically know what we, ourselves, or society, as a whole, are comfortable or uncomfortable with. That is unfair to them. Sure, we SHOULD know this or that, but due to age, living under a rock, being desensitized to things, naivety, or etc other reasons, it is solely up to us, as individuals to discuss with other individuals what our wants and needs and standards are.

Step 4: Punishment (Hopefully Not Needed)

While we prioritize growth, education, and forgiveness, we do not tolerate toxicity. Punishment is strictly reserved for people who are actively malicious, practice Hate Speech and prioritizing logical fallacies.

But what does malice look like? How do you know when someone is being malicious vs distasteful?

• Intent to harm: Deliberate harassment, bullying, or hate speech.
• Ignoring boundaries: Continuing a "joke" or behavior after someone has explicitly asked them to stop.
• Refusal to grow: Repeatedly causing the same drama and showing no willingness to compromise or communicate.

If a conflict crosses the line from a misunderstanding into malice, or if you've tried using your words and the other person refuses to listen, that is when you bring it to the moderation team.

Reporting Malice

If someone keeps crossing your boundaries that you have set, it is time to get moderation involved. Please #Tell-Us-Things or #Support-Tickets

Mediation

If you and another member are trying to talk through a conflict but keep misunderstanding each other, you may consider a mediator. If you need a mediator, try reaching out to a trusted friend to help tactfully get your point across. Alternatively, the mod team may also be able to help. Please #Tell-Us-Things or #Support-Tickets.

In Conclusion