How To Get People To Talk To Me More?
When I asked how the hell do I get people to talk to me more, people reccomended me the book "How to win friends and influence people". I neither want to "Play a game" to "win" friends, nor do I want to influence people... to be my friend. I looked at the book a little and it seemed a bit dry, so here's MY way that I have learned to make friends, based on my previous mistakes...
TL:DR
TLDR: I wasn't approaching other people, I wasn't making healthy open ended conversation, and it made the other person feel like they were carrying the conversation and noone wants to talk to someone that feels like it takes EFFORT to talk to. Everyone LOVES those conversations where it feels effortless and natural and like you've been friends for years, right?
The "Waiting" Trap: Why We Attract the Wrong Friends Who Drain Us
I have a theory about why toxic friendships keep happening in my circles. In our circles. Us introverts. Looking at my own history and the patterns of the people around me, it comes down to a simple, uncomfortable truth.
The problem is, the people who are parasitic have learned to seek this very behavior out. They see us waiting on the sidelines, too scared to reach out, so they walk right up and proclaim very confidently: "Hi, I'm John. Wanna be friends?"
Now, this could be a genuine attempt at connection. But how do we tell? We can't, but in my experience, it's almost always a parasite.
Fast forward a bit, and you give time and energy to your "new friend." Maybe they give a little back at first just to get you attached. But eventually, they take advantage of you, or they get bored, and it ends poorly. Every time. WHY!??
The "Calculating" Moment
I watched this play out with a friend who always sat back and waited for "people to come to him." Inevitably, he ended up surrounded by a bunch of shitty people who didnt value his time or energy. They kept "making plans" with him, then blowing him off. A pattern that I personally have had happen to me often.
I finally asked him: "Why do you hang out with these people who keep fucking blowing you off? Why not hang out with the nice people that you and I hang out with sometimes?"
His answer: "Because I'm scared to approach the nice people."
The calculating meme (conveniently uploaded to the right) played in my brain. EUREKA! or whatever the scientists say.
I told him straight up: "You need to reach out to the nice people and make an active attempt to get to know them. Be around them. Send that join request, even if their status is on orange. They are the people you need in your life, not these shitty people who keep approaching you and then blowing you off."
The Scammer Illustration
If you need an illustration of why waiting doesn't fucking work, just look at your Discord inbox. If you sit back on Discord and message absolutely no one... who is likely to slide into your DMs? Your next best friend? Nope. Not a chance. Who is going to randomly DM a quiet stranger? No one.
...Except for art scammers. Parasites. They look at you sitting back, they see nothing but their next victim, and slide in with a familiar sequence of messages:
- "Hi, I'm John."
- "Do you play VRChat?"
- "Do you need a custom avatar?"
We can all spot the scammers in our DMs and recognize them because they show their true colors often, regularly, and in a highly predictable way. This is similar to other scenarios, the people who confidently approach us quiet strangers are almost always doing it because they want something! Whether thats an easy scam for a fake avatar commission, or an easy target for their emotional BS.
The Solution
Spotting a parasitic "friendship" irl or even online is much harder than spotting a predictable bot or some dude with a script from his boss... But the best way to combat it is this:
You have to shift your mindset from "I hope someone nice talks to me" to "I am going to find someone nice to talk to."
The difference will BLOW your fucking mind. :3
But Mondo, I am scared
Me too, brotha. Me too. Read on!
Is there another Secret(s)?
The secret, imo, in VRC at least, is to volunteer information about yourself and ask open ended questions. Never leave a sentence without something to respond to, even if you have no more input on the subject. "Let me know how it goes" goes a long fucking way.
A second secret is to keep the conversation positive. It's okay to have negative opinions and stuff, but it does not help move a conversation along particularly with people you just met. Save that for a different level of friendship in DMs.
I'm not saying you have to be TOXICALLY positive, because that is an issue in and of itself, but there is a time and a place for negativity and trauma dumping, use it correctly, and not with strangers you just met and are trying to be friends with. <3
Fake / Parasitic Friends vs Real Friends w/ Boundaries
I was looking for a meme about "parasitic/fake freinds" to post at the right here, so that I might be able to hold your attention, but I struggled and got a bit pissed off. Almost all of them were like "Your fake friends will only be there when its convenient for them, and in your time of need, they have fucked off."
I hate this take. In fact, I think it's a completely toxic standard for friendship.
Why? Sometimes I'm not available. Sometimes in your time of need, I am also in my own time of need. As an introvert, as someone with chronic illness, as someone who has a very low social battery, as someone who is in charge of multiple large communities, I bite off way more than I can chew, and that leaves me hella drained often.
So when you DM at at 4am with "you up?"... and I actually am up but am not responding... It doesn't mean I don't care about you. It doesn't make me a fake friend.
It means I am awake having my own mental breakdown, and I literally do not have the capacity to manage yours at the same time. Even if you don't want me to manage it, just being an ear can sometimes be too much.
The interwebz has popularized this idea that a "true friend" is essentially an "on call therapist" with 24/7 availability... But, you know... Demanding that someone set themselves on fire just to keep you warm isn't friendship. It's entitlement.
A fake friend ignores you because they don't care. A fake friend ignores you asking to listen becuase they want to do something that's fun and exciting instead. A real friend sometimes has to step back because their cup is empty. You cant pour from an empty cup. It's a common saying because it's fucking true.
True friendship isn't about fucking limitless access to another person. It's ALSO about having the mutual respect and tact to understand when someone is tapped out.
Fake Friend vs Zero Spoons
Spoon Theory Explained By Ducks
How do you tell? IMO, sometimes you can't without some analysis and pattern recognition!
In an ideal world, if someone says "you up?" at 4am, I could respond with "I am, but dying atm, sorry!"... and it would be no issue. However, sometimes I don't even have the capacity for that! I know others struggle with responding at all, and even more don't have the "mark as unread" engrained in their head and forget to get back with you.
In the world we live in, however, you should be able to say "I am, but I don't have capacity atm", or even not respond, depending upon your capacity... Watch really fucking closely on what happens next, this is how you tell what's going on.
A fake friend will take it as a personal attack. They might guilt trip you or act betrayed or make your denial or silence about them instead of "Oh, that's alright, maybe next time!". A real friend will GET IT. They might be hurting, but a REAL friend will respect your boundary becuase they care about you as a friend, because you are a HUMAN BEING with your own wants and needs, and not just a RESOURCE and 24/7 on call therapist.
Dumpster Fire or Zero Spoons?
Look at your DM history. It is your captain now. Is the only time they reach out is when the sky is falling? Fake friends treat you like a dumping ground.
Real friends... even ones with chronic illness and dead social beteries will still randomly offer you a meme in your lap like a cat bringing its human a dead mouse. They will still share a song that reminds them of you. They will check in when they have the spare energy. Whatever their love language is, they will make an effort, even when small. Your friend freinds want a connection, even if it's small, not a service.
How Small is too small? Low Maintenance Friends
A "low maintenance" friendship has mutual understanding and trust rather than frequent communication. You can go weeks or months or even years without talking, but when you reconnect, it feels like no time has passed. Not everyone is a low maintenance friend and not everyone can handle low maintenance friendships, but don't confuse low maintenance friends for bad ones.
Celebrate good times, COME ON!
A real friend is going to be fuckin' happy for you when you achieve something amazing. If you share a win, an accomplishment, they won't tell you you're just bragging. They will genuinely be happy for you. Do they ignore your success and immedietly run the conversation back to their misery? Real friends will hype you the fuck up!
Neurodivergent Note
Sometimes, if someone shares something, such as "OMG i just got 100% on my exam" it's common for neurodivergents to want to share a similar story to be like "I hear you, and youre not alone!" "Omg I got 96% on mine too!"
So when you say "Aw shit, my car just got a flat tire", and they share a store about "Damn that happened to me last year, but I called AAA and they handled it", it's not saying "Fuck you, look at me" it's saying "I hear you, youre not alone. Ive been through this too." and perhaps even with a possible also invite to "If you need help with this, please ask, because I might have some advice since it happened to me too."
Forgive the bad ones too
If your friend mis-steps and fucks something up, dont tell them to get lost! If it was an innocent mistake, forgive them! If it was malicious and keeps happening, that's when you need to sit down and talk about it.
BUT MONDO T_T... Noone responds to me in community, and I feel ignored!
...*SLAPS THE KEYBOARD OUT OF YOUR HAND!* YOU ARE NOT BEING IGNORED!
There are many possibilities! A bad time zone! Everyones at an event! Or many other things... such as...
If you say something like, "Hey guys! Fuzzy McWhiskers update: pic. He's so cute!" and people might think in their head "indeed. Cute." And go about their day. Not rejecting you, but THEY THEMSELVES don't feel their comment is worth saying. People are often SO scared that they don't wanna talk if they're not adding something "worthwhile" to the convo, and I'm like, MY HOMIES, EVERTTHING YOU SAY IS WORTHWHILE, STOP IT.
-You- may think that bringing something up in chat means that you want to discuss it, but some people are oblivious AF! It helps so much to ASK QUESTIONS, and that will prompt sooo so so many more people that their response is worthwhile! They're not ignoring you! They don't feel worthy! Even if the quetion is ridiculous, SAY IT! "Fuzzy McWhiskers is so cute! Do you think he'd win if he ran for president?"
CONVERSATION TACTICS 101
Are YOUR conversations healthy? Do you remain neutral or positive and ask questions? Check out these examples!
Good Healthy 2 sided Conversation [Open Ended]
Let's take a look at this conversation. The conversation WORKS without the words in bold, but the words in bold are open ended questions and help the conversation flow WAY more naturally, effortlessly for both parties!
- Bob: Hi! What are you guys up to today?
- Mondo: Oh just hanging out with some friends, we're going to see the new Deadpool movie!
- Bob: Oh shit, I just saw that yesterday, it was awesome, let me know how you like it later!
- Mondo: I will! I really liked in part 2 where he rode the unicorn.
- Bob: Fuck I love unicorns. There was this book series I read in high school called the Unicorn Chronicles and it was epic.
- Mondo: Oh yeah? Ill have to take a look. What did you like about it?
- Bob: I liked that the main character wasnt a damsel in distress
- ETC.
Bob and Mondo are now best friends
Bad Conversation [One Person Keeping It Going]
- Bob: Hi!
- Mondo: Hi bob!
- Bob: Im going to see a movie.
- Mondo: Oh, that should be fun!
Lots of silence, and Mondo tries to keep the conversation moving to get to know Bob, since bob isn't volunteering any information to bounce off of.
- Mondo: Sooooooooo... Which movie are you going to see?
- Bob: A Marvel Movie
Bob STILL isn't giving mondo much to work with here, and Mondo is sad because she is carrying the conversation
- Mondo: Oh, which one?
- Bob: Deadpool 3.
- Mondo: Oh, I loved Deadpool 3!
Bob has made no attempt to keep the conversation going, and now Mondo doesn't feel like talking to Bob anymore, because it takes a lot of effort and it feels like Bob doesn't care.
Bad Conversation [Close Ended]
- Bob: Hi
- Mondo: Hi
- Bob: I'm going to see a movie.
- Mondo: k
Bob and Mondo never talk again because noone is volunteering info or asking open ended questions.
Bad Conversation [Too Negative]
- Bob: Hi
- Mondo: Hows it goin bob?
- Bob: Pretty shitty. My dad died, my cat jumped off the roof, and I stubbed my toe, it's bleeding, here look *picture*
- Mondo: O..Oh... I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you...
Mondo is now flabbergasted and doesn't know how to proceed so... *FLEE*
Bad Conversation [Negative Toned]
- Bob: Hey everyone, I am sad today.
- Mondo: How come?
- Bob: Well, my bank account is hacked and I have no money to eat.
The conversation is now awkward, and most people would either not respond much, or try to help
- Mondo: That sucks, you should call up your bank and get that taken care of. Have you had a look at the foodbank nearby to get by until then?
- Bob: No, the foodbank is dirty
The situation is now even more awkward, because it seems like Bob is now going to guilt people into doing something they don't want to do.
- Mondo: Ah, well, uh, maybe ask on a local facebook freecycle group
- Bob: Nah, I dont take handouts from strangers, but i am starving and here is my Paypal: bob@bobbert.com
Now Bob has kind of ruined his reputation for the moment at least, because he is offered solutions that he rejects and instead, begs for money. Mondo no longer wants to talk to Bob because he doesn't focus on solutions, but focuses on guilting people to get what he wants.
